hell's half acre (jesus with more bruises)

'god loves the hungry more than the full' - kaveh akbar

some might say that i’m telling this wrong, but that’s not true because the best thing i’ve ever been good at is observing you from the sidelines.

you’ve always been more god than devil.

less bruised knuckles and spitting out bloody teeth in between punches. less angry glares and flinches in response. more nightmare induced panic attacks on the kitchen floor. more late night drives to cliffs above the shore, but never going down because you’re afraid of the fall.

you’ve always been grieving what is still living.

you know you’ll be the only one in this story, but you’re unsure of how to tell it. the changing winds knock leaves down to the ground and you want to go down with them.

you’ve always been more god than devil.

this story contains resentment and fractured relationships, the narrative has its sights on you. everything seems to be crashing around you, so you have to be the one to fix it.

you’ve always been busy, busy hands and racing thoughts.

someone with a mind so cold and a body so warm to rival the sun. someone simultaneously trying to break the bars of the cage, yet locking the door and swallowing the key. in this story, someone will have to bleed for the narrative, but it won’t be you.

you’ve always had so much faith in everyone else, it’s hard to notice that you haven’t been getting better.

your eyes grew wearier above tired smiles; night comes with slow blinking, sleeping on the couch gives you nightmares, so you settle on the floor beside it (always on the precipice of sacrifice).

you think this life of yours requires a savior, but you glance up to the sky and no one looks back. no one peers over the clouds and shouts: ‘you’re forgiven. you’re forgiven, i love you. you’re forgiven, that cannot be taken away.’

all the previous years of your life have been devoured, you try running back to find yourself, but there’s no one there. moths eat all the lives you have slipped in and out of, and you still stomach the guilt.