throw me into the fire

'we all thought i might change as i got older' – frightened rabbit, 'i wish i was sober'

tell me you remember that summer, tell me you’re still afraid.

it was the season where everything went wrong, everyone was both the seed and the sacrifice. we were foolish enough to believe we’d be spared like the last time, but when have we ever? those secrets of ours became unveiled, but new ones took their place. always.

did you feel it growing inside of you then? the danger that existed on the edge of town. we never knew where we were meant to go, but we stumbled through the forest anyways. shaking from rage or the heat, what we searched for wasn’t found by fighting. our lives weren’t as rotten then, fueled by a slow fading freedom caught selfishly in our hands.

the autumn that followed was a mirror held up to our bodies, months where we struggled to meet our own gaze. a certain touch of fragility latched onto that autumn wind, coating everyone in a special type of vulnerability; we woke from a golden dream to be shoved back into the numb chill of reality.

you’re still on your knees in front of the house and covered in blood. the wounds are fresh, we meant to leave you empty handed. a sickness festers on your flesh, violence was thrust upon you at a young age. all the tombs inside of you have been pried open; you let something into your soul that hands cannot grasp. but it holds you, it’s holding you.

perhaps there is nothing that can equal the recollection of being young together, when the freedoms of our youth drew us closer than familial wounds. we won’t be able to go back to when our blood ran blue and all we wanted was to leave our bodies. i didn’t know how to soothe the sorrow boiling in your gut, i still don’t. take me back to those nights, i know how to handle the past this time. i’ll whisper whatever you need to hear: pretend to be an angel now, not a grave in the shape of a girl.

i want to go back. can we? i want to go back. i want to go back. we can try this again, i know how to be trustworthy this time.